11/9/2023 0 Comments G mendez a million little things![]() So it isn’t a far leap to think that, if the pain starts to go away, these things mean less to you. Things like music, photographs, and other reminders could easily spur an uncontrollable crying spell and endless hours on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s. Now, it's easy to see why this reality might be confusing, because in the beginning many of the above things used to bring you a lot of pain. It lives in the things you do in their honor and memory. It lives in every silly little thing you do to stay connected to them-from taking photographs, to listening to music they loved, to baking their favorite cake, to whatever other thing you do to continue bonds. ![]() It lives in the memories you share together with friends and family. It lives in the things you do that your loved one taught you. It lives in the stories that you tell people about your loved one. Then where does your loved one’s memory live? As cheesy as it sounds, your loved one's memory lives in YOU. ![]() Say it with me: My loved one’s memory does not live in the pain of my grief. Remember, your loved one’s memory does not live in the pain of your grief. So, what to do? I suspect that the answer to that question will be personal and specific to you, but here is what I suggest: Step One: The Biggest Step These feelings are oh-so-common, I promise. It is common to feel extremely conflicted about feeling better and, although it may not seem rational, it is also common to gravitate towards the pain. When it feels like the alternative to feeling pain is losing connection to your loved one, what other choice do you have? The only thing that keeps me connected to my loved one and keeps their memory alive is the deep pain of my grief. Any little piece of that grief that disappears is another piece of my loved one disappearing. I knew how to be a wife and I know how to be a grieving widow, but I don’t know how to be a widow who has good days and is moving forward. If I stop feeling the deep pain of grief, it is a sign life can move on without my loved one and I just won’t let that be true. My suffering is a sign of how much my loved one meant to me. If I’m not suffering my love for them must be diminishing! I feel okay today, this must mean I am forgetting my loved one! If you are grappling with any of these thoughts or concerns, you are not the only one. These sorts of feelings come over many people and they might look a little something like this: You realize your pain has become the expression of love lost-the way you honor your loved one, the one consistent link between life with them and life without them, and an element of proof that their life left an indelible mark on those they leave behind.Īpparently, while you were wishing the pain of grief away, it turned into something else entirely. Maybe, in some ways, grief has even come to define you in the context of life after loss. Who are you if you are not someone grieving the loss of someone very special? And who are they if you are not here, in life, holding vigil for them? Over the course of time, it seems, love has gotten all mixed up with pain and grief. ![]() Grief is funny, you know? You desperately want it to go away, except for sometimes when you don't want it to go away. "I should feel better about feeling better." "Something feels off," you say to yourself. The tears come a little less and things like laughter, joy, and gratitude are once again a part of your emotional repertoire. The smallest sliver of light cuts into the dark and you realize that this must be what 'healing from grief' looks like. You also realize, that progress doesn't feel as sweet as you imagined. Things are more colorful and they're coming into clarity. The days start getting a little bit easier, the nights a little more restful. Then, one day, you look around and realize you can see a little further in front of you. Yet the simplicity of a 'normal' existence seems unfathomable. In the beginning, grief is a fog-a thick, dense, and never-ending barrier between you and the world as you once knew it. You figured it would lift, as fog tends to do, but after days and then weeks spent under its heavy cloak, you begin to wonder if it's become a part of your everyday life. In those moments, you might have thought, "All I want is to feel better," because you want to feel normal, whatever that may mean to you. Your Evolving Relationship With Grief, Grief Articles for Beginners
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